The. Billy. Breen.

Raise your hand if you’ve seen Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives? How about Man vs. Food? Best Thing I Ever Ate? No? Then, first of all you’re a loser. All great, very entertaining shows on the Food Network. Just don’t watch while hungry. A quick recap: Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is hosted by Guy Fieri as he tours certain cities around the country looking for the best unknown cafes, diners, restaurants, etc. I’ve personally found a couple really delicious, random places to eat from watching that show. Man vs. Food is about Adam Richman traveling the country to find insane food challenges to take on (5-pound grilled cheese, 72-ounce steak, 12-pound cheeseburger challenges, among others). Best Thing I Ever Ate is just as it sounds – a bunch of Food Network personalities describing in vivid, mouthwatering, unfair detail what the best _____ they ever ate was.

Anyway, back to business. I’ve had my fair share of amazing, memorable meals…orange chicken or chicken bellagio at The Cheesecake Factory, lettuce wraps at P.F. Chang’s, In N Out Burger, my mom’s taco salad…but this weekend in Spokane I ate something that topped them all. This one would qualify for all three shows. An old-school diner in downtown Spokane, a serving too big to handle, and by far the best burger/sandwich/dinner/MEAL I’ve ever eaten. I can only hope that some day the Food Network sees this review and heads straight for Spokane, Wash. to test it out.

The place: The Satellite Diner
The subject: Hungry, hungry ME.
The meal: “The Billy Breen

Picture this. Take your normal cheeseburger and fries and put some mutant steroids in them to cover a gigantic, oval plate. Then, take everything off the burger except for the meat and cheese. Replace each bun with something real special. The Billy Breen’s claim to fame is that instead of your typical burger buns, there is an entire grilled cheese sandwich on top and bottom of the meat. I know by now most of you are drooling. BUT, it gets better! When you are grilling up the top bun, don’t forget to throw a couple strips of delicious, juicy bacon on with the cheese. When grilling the bottom bun, don’t forget to throw a handful of warm, steamy french fries on with the cheese. When both sandwiches are done, you have your buns. Place the cheeseburger on the french-fry-filled grilled cheese, and top it all with the bacon-filled grilled cheese. Call over another cook to help you lift the gargantuan meal from the grill to the plate. Cut it in half, and serve with a far too large helping of seasoned steak fries.

This is not a joke. It really happened. One half of that burger and I was toast (no pun intended). I couldn’t stop though. I wolfed down the second half and all the fries en route to raising my cholesterol 100 points and gaining 18 pounds in one meal (statistics not based on real fact). You can imagine the happiness, fullness and resulting wonderful sickness that this meal bestowed on me. I can still taste it. And I would honestly make the 90-minute drive RIGHT NOW to get another.

Take my word for it. If you are ever in Spokane, stop by The Satellite Diner and ask for The Billy Breen. Better yet, tell them Jamblin‘ Man sent you. It won’t make any difference, but at least it will confuse the server for a second. Good night and good luck.

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